HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 Or, "So long 2020!"

Happy New Year from The Spurious Nib.

2020 Spurious New Years Eve Wrap Up

As we end the year you all are wondering, “Whatever happened to Penelope  and her brother Walter?” At the end of 1832 Penelope Just resolved to read the entire Bible in the new year. Then in a stunning turn of events Walter began reading his bible and was determined to race ahead and finish by November. Well Walter did not factor in Summer time and his love of noodling catfish. 

  And so our intrepid sports reporter, Hammond Headley, reports Penelope handily finished reading Revelation 22:21 on December 31, 1833.Unfortunately, Walter only made it to Obadiah 1:3.

December 26, 2020 Spurious Nib Report

 A Spurious Elf Patrol Report

A Spurious Nib 2020 Christmas

Once again it’s that time of year when the entire staff at The Spurious Nib wishes you and Yours a Merry Christmas!

Santa’s fifth favorite joke, “What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.es”

When Roscoe Tobias Belcher was twelve his little sister, Apolonia was sick during the Christmas season. Seeing as Roscoe senior was keeping the “lawmen” company over the Christmas holiday the youngster took it upon himself to bolster Apolonia’s spirit. The young Belcher boy decided to dawn the garb of St. Nicholas and visit his sister’s bedside. It worked! Christmas Day saw the little girl regain her strength.

And so it is this Christmas that we hope you will be like young Roscoe for some dispirited person, Be a Belcher!

In 1923 Ivan Kranveski, self-proclaimed Soviet historian claimed that Santa did not have elf workers. No! Communist Santa had Coneys that made the toys. And for the next seventy years Soviet children dressed as Coneys each holiday season to celebrate the freed workers because of the generosity of Mother Russia’s kind Coneys!

Even Santa will not give into an irrational fear of Covid-19!

Spurious Christmas Eve 2020

HAPPY SPURIOUS CHRISTMAS EVE!

If it were not for The Ghost Of Good Grammar visiting Charlie Dickens on Christmas Eve 1822, 

we might never have had the pleasure of reading such classics as, Oliver Twist,  Nicholas Nickleby, A Tale of Two Cities, Great Expectations, or A Christmas Carol!!

Spurious Hanukkah Nibs

 Happy Hanukkah!

The 2020 Spurious Nib Thanksgiving Post

We hope you will have a 
HAPPY THANKSGIVING

For the first thirteen years of their marriage John Sycamore reviewed the Thanksgiving dinner plan with his wife Ethel two weeks prior to the grand event. On the fourteenth year Ethel could be found on a tour of Europe thanks in no part to a nice life insurance policy she had taken out on John.

Some cultures celebrate Thanksgiving differently.

Jimmy likes food.

DON'T LET TURKEYS DANCE ON YOUR CHEST!

The Spurious Nib Election Results II

(Because Spurious Nib readers are demanding more spurious Election information we have endeavored to find more election results.)

We imagine in the 5th century Ryszard Stanisław Cherkasova was elected the third Balken Prince.

As you may recall, one of the Spurious Nib's oldest sponsors, Zaqan’s Royal Beard Oil has a contests for Best Beard. In 1890 posthumously awarded Zaqan’s Royal Beard Oil's Best Beard of the the 5th century Balkens!

The Spurious Nib Elections Results

We are incredibly fortunate here at the Nib to have located previously un-thought of election results.

On 25 January 1789 the crew of the HMS Bounty voted to add a large sock to its signal flags in order to alert other vessels that their feet were cold! 

The Spurious Nib Halloween Edition 2020

The Spurious Nib has never been short on tales. 

We have tuned up a few just for you on this Halloween.

A spurious folk tale from Westchester County, New York includes a rather curious suggestion. If one should float out to the middle of the Tappan Zee in a coracle, on Halloween, at precisely 11:31 p.m. you can hear Washington Irving, Jesse Merwin, and Ichabod Crane singing, “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes!”

Another spurious folk tale comes from the Westminster Church in Baltimore. If you hop around Edgar Allan Poe’s grave marker on your left foot while holding a bottle of Irish whiskey in you right hand and scream, “Tamerlane” three times, you will hear Poe singing, "There Is a Tavern in the Town."

It is impossible to believe that Alexander Graham Bell has anything to do with Halloween folk tales but that will not deter the Spurious Nib!

If you dial 666 (any time between 9pm and 11:59 pm Eastern Standard Time) you can hear Alexander Graham Bell and Thomas Watson sing, “My Bonnie lies over the ocean.” 
And one more spurious folk tale.

Every Halloween Pilgrims in Wittenberg, Germany insist you can summon Johann Tetzel by drinking three large lagers, knocking on the Reformation Memorial Church door thirteen times and then singing a rousing version of, “95 Theses Nailed On the Door” to the tune of, “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” 

Spurious Columbus Day Sale

Many people have believed many things about Christopher Columbus. Not to be out done by so many of those things, The Spurious Nib has investigated an amazing advertisement from the October 12, 1503 edition of the Sevilla Noticias Diarias.

For Sale:

Set sail for Oak Island in your very own Spanish galleon! The Pinta may be used but you will still treasure this easy-to-maneuver old classic! Original ships wheel (you can still see Admiral Columbus's hand prints on her spindles!) Sure there are some oak rotted planks. But your crew will enjoy the long, prominent beakhead for working the sails of the bowsprit (& refurbished head)! The arrow heads in the bow give it that great vintage look. Nice mizzen masts. Four friendly rats. Fore & aft lighting. One bronze salute cannon. Needs new rigging.

Vicente Díaz de Vendedor

13 Calle Nueva

San Esteban de Gomaz, Spain

#ChristopherColumbus

#Columbus

#ColumbusDay

#FakeNews

#Oak Island

Spurious July 4th Hand-In-Waistcoat

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!

The crack staff here at the Spurious Nib understand how much worry and frustration our readers are submersed in over the latest controversies on July 4, 2020. Yes, that’s right, we too have become completely fixated on the “hand-in-waistcoat” conspiracy theories! Now we can reveal the truth of what was in some of history’s most famous waistcoat pockets!

President George Washington

The Father of our Country and the first president of the United States. He was America’s general and commander in chief during the American Revolution. In his waistcoat pocket could be found: a Gideon bible with the Psalms, his reading glasses, keys to his mustang, and his lucky tooth.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Known as The Emperor of the France and considered one of the greatest commanders in history, and his wars and campaigns are studied at military schools worldwide. In his waistcoat pocket could be found: one county fair first place medal for his, "Family Volcano Chip Meal" and one gold hand mirror.

Theodor Friedrich Ludwig Nees von Esenbeck

Esenbeck was a German botanist and pharmacologist. In his waistcoat pocket could be found: a pen knife, one magnifying glass and four gañjā leaves. According to Spurious Nib sources his friends called him, “Dr. Dank Ludweed.”

William Tecumseh Sherman

American soldier, businessman, educator, and author. One of the great generals of the Union Army during the American Civil War. In his waistcoat pocket could be found: a rosary from his wife Ellen, one personalized silver flask, and one Zippo lighter.

Lucius Ambrose de Farnelleis

Once hailed as, “Rhode Island's Favorite Raconteur,” Lucius was a part time knockknobbler, and expert knocker-upper. He once famously said to Meriwether Lewis, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you as long as you can read a map.”

In his waistcoat pocket could be found: 10- 1790 Duits, one porcupine quill comb, and his pet cockroach named Barebones Lee.

#HappyIndependenceDay #july4th2020 #july4th #IndependenceDay

The Spurious Nib's Earth Day Observation

April 22
You will never know just how much the April 22nd Earth Day celebrations anger the other planets in our solar system.

Spurious Easter Nibs

The Spurious Nib would like to wish our Christian friends a joyous and enriching Easter!

Just a moment ago good old Dusty Japes recalled a story he received from an old neighbor of the Nibs originator, Maximus Tornblatt. Mr. Benjamin Cohen and his family lived next door to the Tornblatts. 

I was preparing for Passover one year. I decided to hide the Afikoman outside near the Azaleas. I noticed old Maximus coming out of his home. 

“Good day, Maximus!” I called out. 

“Good day, Mr. Cohen! Just hiding the eggs for our little grandson, Bunkie.”

Later, when the Seder was coming to a close I told my children, Bobby and Sissy to go out and search for the Afikoman.

Oy vey! Such the noise they were making. And here they come with back in with two of Tornblatts painted eggs! 

“L'chai-im, l'chai-im! Papa.”

“Yes, we already had the roasted egg. Let me see what is going on here.”

And so I got up from the table and looked out the back window. There was Maximus, standing as if in a riddle. Then he turned and walked in our direction. 
I gathered the family back to the table. Bobby reminded me it was time to see if Eliyahu was coming so he ran to the front door and began to open it.
Suddenly Bobby was startled, “Papa it’s Eliyahu!”
It was Mr. Tornblatt looking a bit startled himself.
I looked at Bobby and said, “Oy! That’s not Eliyahu, that’s the Easter bunny!”
We all had a good laugh.

With that said…
Happy Easter!
How does a pirate end Easter? 
With an "AAR"!
Be well my friends.

Spurious Passover Nibs

The Spurious Nib would like to wish our Jewish friends a joyous and enriching Passover!

Just a moment ago good old Dusty Japes recalled a story by our founder Maximus Tornblatt.

Back when I was starting The Harried Hessian Journal we lived next to the Cohen family. I was hiding Easter eggs for my grand-child Bunkie Fuzzbutton to find in the morning. I spotted little Bobby and Sissy Cohen outside searching for the Afikoman. And what’a ya know they each found an Easter egg and excitedly hurried back inside their home.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I hemmed and hawed for a bit. I didn’t want to intrude on their special night. But then I decided it would be best to go make sure I hadn’t gotten the little folks into any trouble. As I approached the front door it began to open. There was Bobby, eyes as wide as saucers, “Papa it’s Eliyahu!” Startled I stopped at the threshold. Mr. Cohen looked up and said, “Oy vey! That’s not Eliyahu, that’s the Easter bunny! We all had a good laugh.

With that said…

Happy Pesach

Chag Pesach Samech

Chag Pesach kasher vesame’ach

Gut yontif

Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?

So we can Seder right words.

Be well my friends.

The Spurious Nib’s History of Social Distancing Part One

Report filed by Dr. Mayer Windfeller.

Whilst many of you have been fretting about the current particularities of quarantines in 2020. The Spurious Nib will endeavor to prevaricate upon the unknown origins of “social distancing” that may or may not have assisted the promulgators of your time to conserve what is left of your world.

March 30, 1889. Andrew Tetramov finished creating a grotto on Mount Dzyarzhynskaya as a refuge from the “plague of humanity with their chin wagging confabulations gathering about town to discuss all manner of politics, religion, and flummery!”

 

April 1, 1903. 7AM. Clyde Chubb discovered the amazing health benefits of his home made “Seclusion Box.”

April 1, 1903. 11:22AM. Clyde Chubb discovered his “Seclusion Box” has been enjoyed by the entire Chubb clan.

April 2, 1921. Misanthrope, Hettie Bender discovered, “the look” availed her the solitude she had always longed for.

April 3, 1918. In an effort to thwart the Encephalitis Lethargica quarantine Billy Gueck walked the telegraph lines from Inguadona, Minnesota to Longville, Minnesota in order to buy a box of cigars.

Another Spurious Nib PSA

The Spurious Nib’s Public Service Announcement

1.Death loves taxes.
2.Death loves playing cards.
3.You can not cheat Death.






















#taxes #death #April 15

The Spurious Nib's St. Patrick's Day 2020

St. Patrick's other brother.

You’ve never read about Patrick’s half brother, Saint Barry. By all The Spurious Nib's accounts Barry should also be celebrated. 

While Patrick was busy chasing snakes with his shamrock, 
Barry noticed Ireland’s health might be in danger. Acting on his own instinct Barry secured a shipment of whiskey and drove the barrels out of the ship and into Sean O' Kepler’s Pub!






March 17 2020
#StPatricksDay
#Shamrock

The Spurious Nib’s Sports Report

The Spurious Nib’s Sports Reporter, Hammond Headley, has a developing story. 

We brought you the story in January of Penelope Just who began the task of reading the entire Bible in the new year. And how she had a bit of trouble around Genesis 10:26.

It has now developed into a sport as her brother Walter has began reading his bible and is determined to race ahead and finish by November!

More details to follow.

Happy Purim!

The Spurious Nib Remembers Purim. 

Do You?

Perhaps you have read the whole book of Esther. Perhaps you remember that so-and-so guy who wanted to exterminate all the Jewish people in Persia. There was Uncle  Mordecai who reminded Esther she had been given a place and purpose (as the wife of the King Ahasuerus) to bring salvation to G_s people. Perhaps you also recall Esther had won a beauty contest. 
The Spurious Nib has discovered one young lady who placed fifth in that contest, Peggy. Thanks to Esther’s obedience, Peggy went on to marry Morey Korman. Morey owned the Shushan Oriental Fabric Company Ltd. They had five boys and eventually retired in Hamat Gader.

Morey & Peggy Korman

475 BCE,Shushan, Persia

Purim March 9, 2020 

The Spurious Nib President’s Day

It is true, President Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms (22nd & 24th). What you will never learn is how Cleveland really beat Benjamin Harrison the 23rd President of the United States.

Cleveland's mockingbird, Moocher, flew into Harrison’s White House bedroom window every night and whispered, "More tariffs, more tariffs." Thus Moocher ensured Grover Cleveland's unprecedented win over President Harrison!

Valentine Nibs, The Day After!

Any no talent hack can write Spurious things on Valentine's Day. Knowing most of our readers are suffering after-effects from all the Valentine celebrations it is with fond affection we note a few spurious things that have happened the day after Valentine's Day.

In Yaroslavl, Soviet Union, Comrade Marusya Orlov said, “Yes” to Comrade Arkady Moroz on Valentine's Day! The day after Valentines Day he submitted a plan to Vladimir Lenin whereby he would place a red star on the tallest structure in town so all communist would know it as the best place to honeymoon.

The day after Valentine's Day, Japan, 493A.D. 
Village heartthrob, Buraban Tomukyatto sang a love ballad to the beautiful Yuki Akemi. When Buraban was finished Yuki said, “Every bird loves to hear himself sing.”

The day after Valentine's Day in 1924, Teddy Ford tried unsuccessfully to give Jenifer Clayton back the “be my Valentine puppy” she had given him the day before.

Parthena Bergere Bleue enjoyed walking all her cats (including Miss Toe Beans) every day after  Valentines day.

In 1897 Ethel Truquer kidnapped the Château Dans L'Herbe's chocolatier and ate an entire tray of his famous Valentine Cygnes en chocolat. She was put in jail the day after Valentines day.

The day after Valentine's Day Odysseus realized he should have dated Bast, the Egyptian cat Goddess instead of the enchantress Circe.

Spurious February 12th Edition

We have yet again received an other worldly prognostication from the Spurious Nib’s very own, Sarah P. Needles reporting from Kenosha, Wisconsin. 

Prognosticator Parthena Bergere Bleue related a rather unusual vision this week regarding President Lincoln. Mrs. Bleue said she was caring for her newest liter of kitten’s (aka Mr. Tom’s Pride) when her left eye began to twitch. Clearly some great spirit from the beyond was crossing the gray threshold to deliver a message. The following is my transcription Of the message transmitted vie Mrs. Bleue.

Dearest Reader, on February 12, 1809 America’s most beloved thespian president was born. But alas his days were cut short by a two bit playing scalawag. Yes, yes, the horse figure, Old Bob and that form of an angelic feline Miss Toe Beans are telling me the sorrows that befell their dear souls on that fateful eve. My heart breaks!
In that dimmed light Miss Bean began insisting on a new tradition to mark the blessed occasion upon which Abraham graced this mortal coil. She had noted the many times our beloved President would bathe as the feline would sun herself nearby. And so it is that all good patriots shall bathe in his great honor every February 12th.

At this Parthena’s voice trailed off and her left eye stopped twitching. She immediately enlisted the aid of her son Morgan to draw a bathe, “lest Miss Toe Beans become angry.”

Spurious Nib Health Sponsor

The Spurious Nib welcomes our newest sponsor!

Mother Dalton’s Percolated Salmon Salve

Blacksmith, Bakers Cobblers, Farmers, and even Orators agree nothing beats Mother Dalton’s Percolated Salmon Salve!

Suffering from Quinsy, Laryngitis, Fevers, Lumbago, Gout, Dyspepsia, Scabies, Eruptions, Nervousness, Insomnia, etc?

Mother Dalton’s Percolated Salmon Salve can bring much needed relief!

The Nib recommends mixing a daub of Mother's with your favorite Syllabub or Stone Fence for astounding results.

Spurious Groundhog’s Day 2020

Will the groundhog see his shadow and doom humanity to six more weeks of winter? 
In honor of Groundhog’s Day The Spurious Nib would like to remind you of other things that indicate six more weeks...

Where upon a French painter deigns to agree on your portraiture

 it will take six more weeks before he lays 

the first brush stroke to canvas.

When Charles Pardon learned his wife purchased a piano 

it meant six more weeks of a migraine headache.

Some spurious employees at the Basilica of St. Paul claim it takes four weeks to wax the floors from the east entrance to the west exit and then six more weeks to wax the floors from west to east!

Whenever Harland Peddywhomper notices the washboard 

approach the top of his head he knew it meant 

sleeping in the hospital for six more weeks.

When Slovaks in Tuzla, Yugoslavia began fermenting potatoes they knew it would be six more weeks before they would have vodka.

And sixthly

If a farmer sees a groundhog it means 

six more weeks until he can give his wife a fur hat.