Happy Spurious Nibs New Year!

Every New Years Eve starting in 1857 

Tommy Glockenspiel’s father asked his son 

to ring in the New Year with a rousing tuba solo of, 

“Im Frühtau zu Berge.” 

Tommy always refused 

and instead threw snowballs 

at the family’s goat named Hundefiedler!

Spurious Nib New Years Resolutions

In 1832 Penelope Just resolved to read the entire Bible in the new year.

Spurious New Years Nibs

Every New Year the clock owned by the descendants of 

King George III shutters, the bells ring, 

then the visage of George Washington appears 

and proclaims, “Influence is not government.” 

Spurious Christmas History

Rev. Evert Bergqvist’s Christmas Toy Tank

was a big hit with the children in 1907.

 

Santa has twelve children.

Santa’s fourth oldest daughter’s name is Calliope.

Santa’s triplets names are, Karl, Melvin and Gershom.

Santa’s fifth oldest son, Gyula 

loves to exercise the reindeer.

 

In 1891 Katrina Fisher was the first American 

to be diagnosed with Little Drummer Boy Syndrome!

 

History has forgotten why Old St. Nick was late with the Toys in 1916. Thanks Helmut Braunschweiger!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

A Spurious Nib December

Soren Knudsen of Filskov, Denmark 

could not understand why the Goldbergs 

were uncomfortable celebrating Glædelig Jul.

The Spurious Nib 2019 Thanksgiving Edition

You might have some romantic notions of Thanksgiving. Maybe in your imagination you see Pocahontas and John Rolfe stealing glances over a large golden brown turkey next to a piping hot dish of candied yams, a bowl of cranberries, and some really yummy corn bread with a slab of butter melting over the top.
Thanks to our imagination at the Spurious Nib our founder Maximus Tornblatt had related some Spurious Thanksgiving news from one of his news papers, The Round Prairie Witness.

43,000 years ago a Cro-Magnon family celebrated Thanksgiving by inviting their Neanderthal neighbors over for some roasted Magnapaulia and candied avocados.

Thanksgiving 1810. Kentucky’s famous retired pirate and kitsch aficionado, Captain Irving Saysme had to be reminded by his great grandchildren that the Thanksgiving turkey wasn’t his beloved parrot Maxine.

When the Pilgrims celebrated the Tenth Annual Thanksgiving Goody Feldman was so excited she set up her Creche and Christmas tree. Thus starting the American tradition of Christmas feriation extensive celebrationem.

Best friends Bartholomew Buckett and Giles Tinker gathered everyone at the Meeting House three days before Thanksgiving to play a new game they called “will it Pilgrim.” The young men invited Massasoit to cook up various festive aboriginal treats so the whole community could see the reaction of the boys tasting the strange exotic foods. Unbeknownst to Bartholomew and Giles, William Latham asked Massasoit to make skunk stew as one of the dishes to taste. Hilarity ensued.
Hepzibah Smith later said, I longed that I should have been able to paint a picture of the boys retching whilst we convulsed with gaiety at their discomfort!”

One Hundred years after the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Humphrey Calvert wrote and performed his, “Tuba Extraordinaire, A Thanksgiving Opus in G flat.”

Spurious Nib Speed

Leo Lindeberg swore adding coffee to his cars tires was like, 

“lightening in a wheel.” 

Spurious Daylight Savings Time

We know Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent Daylight Savings Time. 

According to our Spurious History Department, 

When Parisians learned Franklin’s essay,

“An Economical Project” was chiding them for sleeping in 

they donned clock masks and marched around his home at sunrise!

A Spurious Nib Halloween

In 1899 Billy Flanagan wrapped his sister Mary like a mummy 

and charged people 2 cents each to hear him delivery his scary Halloween soliloquy, “To The Mummy.”

You may not know that Martin Luther’s 95 Thesis was posted on the equivalence of a bulletin board.

You might be interested in some spurious history in that one week later the 95 Thesis were replaced by an ad from Nun Katharina von Bora , “For sale: one used rosary, Available at the Cistercian monastery of Marienthron in Nimbschen.”

On this date in 1756, Josefus Paczko was voted

“The Gosh, Darn, Nicest Werewolf in all of Slovakia!”

Spurious Dentistry Adventures

Billy Mackenzie is a great automobile mechanic. Billy’s favorite automobile is the 1921 Daniels Speedster. His favorite tool is the Cornwell Tappet wrench which is specially treated with Chrome Molybdenum Steel, “I love the handy grips and narrow faces that insure easy access to those close quarter spaces.”
And Billy likes teeth. “It started when I was a boy of about four years of age. My little mutt named Tuffy decided to bite my Uncle Philbert’s left hind quarter. It was a two’fer, got to see Tuffy’s chompers and Uncle’s dentures fell onto the floor. Ever since then I have been quite curious how teeth work. I was going to be a dentist except for all the blood and spitting. It is rather off putting.
My fifth favorite tooth story happened about a year ago last week. My third favorite costumer Len Smith (we call him Smitty) stopped by for an oil change. He was driving his crummy little Overland Four Touring car. What a joke, only 18.23 horsepower. As he approached I could tell something was wrong by the look on his wadded up face.

At first I thought he was angry with me. Maybe he thought I charged too much to fix that flat last week? No, not the tire. His clutch was slipping. When he started to complain it became apparent he had a tooth ache. Turns out one of his bicuspids was coming apart at the seams. I glanced at my tools and had a strike of brilliance (coincidentally that is what I call my 4 pound rubber mallet).
Smitty was tough to catch at first, had to get my assistant Ralph to stop pumping gasoline for old Mrs. Flemhocker to hold Smitty down.
I grabbed my trusty old brake spring pliers figuring they might do the trick. My angled grease bar and pump packing hook helped to pry out the rest that old tooth. Used my midget ignition pliers to grab all of them little stubborn pieces.
Yep, lots of blood, spitting and a fare amount of cursing. But kept I assuring Smitty I would only charge him ten cents for the extraction (which is a great deal compared to what that old lout of a dentist he’s been seeing charges).
It was nice the way he passed out for an hour. Gave us a chance to fix his clutch in peace without all that usual yammering he does about politics.”

Spurious Egyptian History

Chatuluka Umi was the first Egyptian to surf the Yam Suph in 1446 BC.

Spurious Mascot History

Willie Wirehand loved to scare his famous cousin Reddy Kilowatt.

The day after Willie chased him with a horsefly Reddy invented the bug zapper!

Spurious Projects

Our "Man in the archives", Dusty Japes just discovered a wonderful old book by Margaret Linkhopper, I See Your Saw.

Linkhopper and her daughter Sally were the first women to promote the idea that, "anything he can do, I can ameliorate!"

Spurious July 4th History Part 2

On July 5, 1776 England’s King George III developed a twitch in his left eye every time someone said, “Merica!”

Every July 4th Sam Whittemore gave his son a gun.

1773 So much tea was dumped by the patriots in the Boston Harbor 

to this day crates of tea 

can still be found floating in the Atlantic Ocean!

Spurious July 4th History Part 1

The Soviet Union's Alexander Petrolkaf spent the enire month of July, 1923 searching for freedom in his cherry tree. On July 31st Comrade Petroklaf discovered gravity.

July 4, 1788 
Benjamin Franklin's trained his pet eagle to sled across James Madison's lawn. Madison shouted to Franklin,
"The power to fly, including the power of sledding the lawn of presidents, is fully and exclusively vested in the eagle!"





Mini Englander loved Liberty so much she could be found in deep conversations with the Liberty Bell each day at three-o-clock in the afternoon!

Spurious Nib Flag History

On this day in 1776, 

Betsy Ross received an urgent letter from her ugly step sister Mona.

 "Dearest Betsy, it would be so fun to make the stars of the flag in like the shape of a pineapple.

 Pineapples would make our Thirteen Colonies 

feel like so much more more like welcoming.

Butterfly greetings,

Ugly Mona."

We don't know if Betsy liked pineapples. 

We don't know if Ugly Mona was really ugly 

(or really, really ugly). 

But we do know that Betsy burned that letter 

and replied with a note that said, 

"No! No ugly Mona, I will not have a pineapple flag. 

 I will not have it hanging here. I will not have it hanging there. I will not hang it on a rope.

Ugly Mona, you're such a dope!

Kindest regards, Betsy." 

Spurious Opera Nibs

Gladys Krambergmeister was so taken with her cat Furry's springtime vocalizations that she changed the felines name to Brunnhilde after the classic "Ride of the Valkyries " character!

Spurious June Celebrations

June 28, 1949

June 28, 1949 marks the celebration of Erdahl, Minnesota's much beloved mail man, Flem Dorkenson's last day of work. Flem delivered sticks of butter to each resident noting that, "Every things better with butter." There is a statue of Flem in Erdahl and on every June 28^th a wreath of butter is placed at its base. 

June 17, 1673

Thomas McKinnel confessed to long time nieghbor, Phil McSinchup that he was really from Italy, his real name was Giuseppe Columbo Enrico, he loved the Tartan but hated the food so much he was going back to his village in Italy to open a dress shop.

And let us not forget June 2, 1898. 

Nine years old Albert Swink successfully ran to second base without tripping. The towheaded Swink immediately announced his feat to the crowd, "Second base is now my first favorite base! First base used to be my favorite but now second is my most favorite.*"

*No one had the heart to tell Albert he was lucky seven years old out fielder Brian Regan was too busy looking at the sun to catch a high flyer and hence even if Swink had tripped he would have had plenty of time to get to second base.

Spurious Advertising History

Our archivist, Dusty “Nibs” Japes has discovered cigarette mascot Joe The Camel’s grandmother was Geraldene The Camel. Geraldene was the parasol mascot in Europe for 4 decades until a study revealed Geraldene had a hanker’n for chaw!

A Touching Spurious Father's Day.

Here are some touching scenes from the Spurious Archives.

On this day in 1887 Hamash Zaqan gave his son, Fertootst the secret formula for Zaqan’s Royal Beard Oil (It comes in the cobalt blue bottle!).

By the way, Fertootst Zaqan’s son, Carlyle would open the first Chinese restaurant in Miami on Father's Day in 1916.

Every Father's Day in Babylon, Dakuri played toss the double daggers with his son, Zaidu. 

Soviet fathers taught their children that eating the crust of bread would make them stronger than the evil Amerikanski capitalists.

Famous clipper ship builder Austin Hills once asked his sons for a cup of coffee on Father's Day. They were so obedient that they started a coffee company just so the old man would always have a cup of coffee!

Pilgrim Wrestling Tinker taught his three year old son to snap his fingers on Father's Day 1605.

And a bit of ironic Spurious History: Melvin Kranski was voted 

"Best Clown Daddy" in the Ohio State Penitentiary on Father's Day 1935.

Happy Father's Day! 

The Spurious Easter of 1890

On the morning of Easter 1890 the son of a Belgian confectioner built a two meter tall Lapin Bonbon. Unfortunately, a bratty German boy tried to steal the giant marshmallow creation screeching, “Der Süßigkeiten Hase ist mein Freund.” The marshmallow bunny suddenly came to life, picked up the German boy, and clomped of through the village.

Lapin Bonbon ran to the home of an old witch in the nearby forest where he reveled that he was not French or German. Lapin Bonbon was really the Great Finnish Karkkia Pupu! The German boy leaped from the marshmallow bunny’s arms, and escaped.
To this day Germans refuse to eat marshmallow bunnys on Easter exclaiming they are, “Pupu!”

The Spurious Nib's History

After a nasty fall down the steps of the Spurious Nib's basement, Dusty “Nibs” Japes has been recalling the history of this small publication.

"German immigrant Maximus Tornblatt started, The Harried Hessian Journal on April 1st."


Japes continued,
"Restaurateur and former printer, Bunkie Fuzzbutton was an apprentice here in the 1890s before striking out on his own. Furthermore, Fuzzbutton’s grandfather was Maximus Tornblatt started a journal, The Harried Hessian, after emigrating from Germany in the mid-1800s. Tornblatt’s genius was his innovative roving news wagon which roamed the upper Midwest gathering and disseminating things Tornblatt found interesting. Before his death in 1883 Tornblatt expanded his fortune buying up several small papers (The Wayne Whig, The Ashwaubenon Commoner, The Round Prairie Witness and the Dewit Register). In 1884 Tornblatt sold his papers to Mortimer S. Mitone. Mitone consolidated the roving news into Spurious Nib in 1885. As part of the buyout the new owner agreed to hire some of Tornblatt’s family which is how the paper eventually ended up with a Fuzzbutton.
Fuzzbutton was pressed into service as a printer’s devil eventually surpassing the best typesetter in the shop. Alas, one can only speculate what would have happen to the Spurious Nib had Bunkie stayed at the presses and rose through the ranks of the Spurious Nib. Perhaps the paper would have again been under the great auspices of the founding family.

The Fates pushed Fuzzbutton into crepes and Fortune smiled upon Mortimer S. Mitone who was enamored with the business of publication."

The Spurious Nib's 2019 St. Paddy’s Day Edition!

An Irish Love Story

Though Barley Finnegan was but a poor Irishman he loved the Opera. Barley fell head-over-heels in love with Ireland’s most famous opera singer, Colleen O’Connor. “She has the most heavenly voice.” Thought Barley. 

After a shot of courage he began courting his beloved Colleen. A whirlwind romance and a hurry-up ceremony followed. 

Amazingly poor Barley Finnegan found himself on honeymoon with Colleen. That evening Colleen began to prepare for their first night together, As he watched, his chin dropped to his chest. Colleen plucked out her glass eye, pulled off her wig, ripped off her false eyelashes, yanked out her dentures, unstrapped her artificial leg , and smiled at him as she slipped off her glasses that hid her hearing aid. Stunned and horrified, Barley cried out, “sing woman, sing, SING!” 


HT- www.family-times.net/illustration/Deceit/200734/ 

Spurious Nib Ash Wednesday

Rev. Emerson Coy Grady, 

of the Fourth Louisiana Baptist Church, 

used Ash Wednesday to force his elders to smoke outside instead of in the foyer. 

Lollygagging, Dilly dallying, and Dawdles

While visiting Paint Lick, Kentucky in August 1877, 

Dr. Mayer Windfeller came to the stunning conclusion that lollygagging is the equivalent of four dawdles while dilly dallying equal almost six dawdles!

(Thanks to Pat Sajak for alerting the Staff about lollygagging vs dilly dallying)

Blood Moon Theory

You might considers this Spurious Astronomy but nonetheless in 1867 Sir Chadwick Arthur Maxwell posited his famous “Blood Moon Theory.”

Sir Maxwell surmised the Planet Mars was so angry at the attention Planet Earth receives from the Sun that Mars tries to destroy the Earth by shooting arrows into the Moon.

(Sir Maxwell was also famous amongst his peers for his "Fem Blu Theory" stating that Women invented laundry bluing to guarantee that men would never master washing clothes.)