Spurious July 4th History Part 2

On July 5, 1776 England’s King George III developed a twitch in his left eye every time someone said, “Merica!”

Every July 4th Sam Whittemore gave his son a gun.

1773 So much tea was dumped by the patriots in the Boston Harbor 

to this day crates of tea 

can still be found floating in the Atlantic Ocean!

Spurious July 4th History Part 1

The Soviet Union's Alexander Petrolkaf spent the enire month of July, 1923 searching for freedom in his cherry tree. On July 31st Comrade Petroklaf discovered gravity.

July 4, 1788 
Benjamin Franklin's trained his pet eagle to sled across James Madison's lawn. Madison shouted to Franklin,
"The power to fly, including the power of sledding the lawn of presidents, is fully and exclusively vested in the eagle!"





Mini Englander loved Liberty so much she could be found in deep conversations with the Liberty Bell each day at three-o-clock in the afternoon!

Spurious Nib Flag History

On this day in 1776, 

Betsy Ross received an urgent letter from her ugly step sister Mona.

 "Dearest Betsy, it would be so fun to make the stars of the flag in like the shape of a pineapple.

 Pineapples would make our Thirteen Colonies 

feel like so much more more like welcoming.

Butterfly greetings,

Ugly Mona."

We don't know if Betsy liked pineapples. 

We don't know if Ugly Mona was really ugly 

(or really, really ugly). 

But we do know that Betsy burned that letter 

and replied with a note that said, 

"No! No ugly Mona, I will not have a pineapple flag. 

 I will not have it hanging here. I will not have it hanging there. I will not hang it on a rope.

Ugly Mona, you're such a dope!

Kindest regards, Betsy." 

Spurious Opera Nibs

Gladys Krambergmeister was so taken with her cat Furry's springtime vocalizations that she changed the felines name to Brunnhilde after the classic "Ride of the Valkyries " character!

Spurious June Celebrations

June 28, 1949

June 28, 1949 marks the celebration of Erdahl, Minnesota's much beloved mail man, Flem Dorkenson's last day of work. Flem delivered sticks of butter to each resident noting that, "Every things better with butter." There is a statue of Flem in Erdahl and on every June 28^th a wreath of butter is placed at its base. 

June 17, 1673

Thomas McKinnel confessed to long time nieghbor, Phil McSinchup that he was really from Italy, his real name was Giuseppe Columbo Enrico, he loved the Tartan but hated the food so much he was going back to his village in Italy to open a dress shop.

And let us not forget June 2, 1898. 

Nine years old Albert Swink successfully ran to second base without tripping. The towheaded Swink immediately announced his feat to the crowd, "Second base is now my first favorite base! First base used to be my favorite but now second is my most favorite.*"

*No one had the heart to tell Albert he was lucky seven years old out fielder Brian Regan was too busy looking at the sun to catch a high flyer and hence even if Swink had tripped he would have had plenty of time to get to second base.

Spurious Advertising History

Our archivist, Dusty “Nibs” Japes has discovered cigarette mascot Joe The Camel’s grandmother was Geraldene The Camel. Geraldene was the parasol mascot in Europe for 4 decades until a study revealed Geraldene had a hanker’n for chaw!

A Touching Spurious Father's Day.

Here are some touching scenes from the Spurious Archives.

On this day in 1887 Hamash Zaqan gave his son, Fertootst the secret formula for Zaqan’s Royal Beard Oil (It comes in the cobalt blue bottle!).

By the way, Fertootst Zaqan’s son, Carlyle would open the first Chinese restaurant in Miami on Father's Day in 1916.

Every Father's Day in Babylon, Dakuri played toss the double daggers with his son, Zaidu. 

Soviet fathers taught their children that eating the crust of bread would make them stronger than the evil Amerikanski capitalists.

Famous clipper ship builder Austin Hills once asked his sons for a cup of coffee on Father's Day. They were so obedient that they started a coffee company just so the old man would always have a cup of coffee!

Pilgrim Wrestling Tinker taught his three year old son to snap his fingers on Father's Day 1605.

And a bit of ironic Spurious History: Melvin Kranski was voted 

"Best Clown Daddy" in the Ohio State Penitentiary on Father's Day 1935.

Happy Father's Day!