The Spurious Nib Volume 12

Spurious Nib #92

Women are 59% more likely to laugh at a man's jokes if they are lying in a hammock.

Spurious Ad Nibs

Hoven Hardware & Tools

“Hats off to the handyman!”

Dinkle Hoven Proprietor 

Spurious Nib#19

Whales love Mel Tormé's music so much they nicknamed him the velvet dolphin!

Spurious Nib#46

In 1935 Boris & Satchia Nyetcovitch, conjoined twins, performed their famous tribute to the United Soviet Socialist Republic for Joseph Stalin by wearing a head band around both their heads while singing,

“Joseph Stalin was a man. Yes a big man.

With an eye like an grizzly and as tall as a mountain was he.

Joseph Stalin was a man. Yes a big man.

He was brave, he was fearless and as tough as a bar of steel.

From the military cap on the top of ol Joe to the heel of his military shoe

The rippin'est roarin'est fightin'est man the U-S-S-R ever knew.

Joseph Stalin was a man. Yes a big man.

And he fought the enemies of the people to make Mother Russia free from the west.”

Spurious Nib#65

John P. Handy was so cheap he only read the newspaper over someone else's shoulder.

Stereo-phonics

Spurious Nib#15

Stereo-phonics refers to the amount of time it takes for a Monad to race from left to right in standard headphones using an RCA jack.

Spurious Nib's Special St. Paddy’s Day Edition

Spurious Or Not...You Decide:

When Irish eyes are smiling,

Sure, 'tis like the morn in Spring.

In the lilt of Irish laughter

You can hear the angels sing.

When Irish hearts are happy,

All the world seems bright and gay.

And when Irish eyes are smiling,

Sure, they steal your heart away.

Spurious Nib #17

On this day in 400AD Patrick led a parade from Galway to Dublin driving snakes into the sea and by "driving snakes" he meant Danny O'Malley's mother-in-law, "the Medusa of Killarney."

Spurious Ad Nibs

Condy O Boyle: Coffee

One taste of our fine coffee and you’ll say, “Boy, O boy, its O’Boyle’s!”

And for that special added hint of Irish flavor be sure to add a touch of  O'Shaughnessy's fine whiskey, “Imported from Dublin-Preferred by elves.”

Spurious Nib #101

Patrick traversed Ireland planting potatoes near every village. Saint Germanus of Auxerre wrote, “His visage was a might peculiar, what with tha’ cook’n pot for a hat and the shamrock he collected in his pockets.”

Spurious Nib Irish Erudition:

“Give an Irishman a drink and he’ll be your friend for life, give a Scot a drink and you’ll lose every penny, but don't ye drink with an Englander he'll take yer land, yer faith an' yer wife!”

Spurious Nib#7

The lyrics, 

“Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling

From glen to glen, and down the mountain side,” 

refers to Iron Age Celt Carnyx players who thought they could traverse the Irish sea with their new fangled metal air tubes. Fortunately, the Flynn brother's (Paddy, Mick and Quinn) discovered the musicality of the Carnyx at McGuiness' bar. It's rumored Paddy Flynn attached a sheep's bladder to one of the horns as a prank and handed it to a visiting Scottish bar patron and that is how the bag-pipes were invented!

Mother Of The Year

Spurious Nib #28

On March 12, 1897 Mrs. Henrietta received the trophy for Mother Of The Year after playing peek-a-boo with her 18 month old son Walter for 1 hour, 9 minutes and 19 seconds!

One decade later the tradition of awarding a mother for playing peek-a-boo came to an abrupt halt when it was discovered that mothers had, in reality, been taking naps.

Kaiser-Piraten

Spurious Nib#43

Kaiser Wilhelm II so yearned to be a pirate he had his dead parrot Freddy taxidermied and affixed to his pickelhaube.

Spurious Nib Odd History

Spurious Nib

Volume 15

Spurious Nib#19

On this day in 1953 the Crumbly twins, Robert and Carl, celebrated the 40^th anniversary of the first time they fought over a toy car.

Spurious Ad Nib s Buskey Shoes

No shoe too big, no shoe too small,

Try Buskey Shoes!

We make them all!

 

The Buskey Shoe Company, Sandusky, Ohio.

Please Note: This month’s Spurious Nib Lecture Series will continue to be held at the L’homme Parle Hall located at the south end of Boleslao University on the 23rd at 7:30pm. Kevin Rathbone will be discussing his cousin’s fame in a lecture entitled, “Smells like Basil.”

Spurious Nib#175

In 1600 BCE, an Egyptian army general named Askahowatress died suddenly during the Tutankhamun Gators v.s. the Ishtar Stars International Volley Ball Championships. Because the family could not afford a proper burial Askahowatress’s wife Muriel restored a used sarcophagus near the Valley of the Kings. “It wasn’t the neighborhood we wanted but after looking at three different tombs with the Scottenaten brothers we knew they could get us the passage to the underworld on a budget and still have all the amenities we were wanting,” Said Muriel.

Spurious Nib#62

General Dieter Gerhard Sigwalt was the first official winner of the Zaqan’s Royal Beard Oil Excellent Beard award.