Happy New Year!

Dusty “Nibs” Japes, Maximus Tornblatt, Lum Glowerman, Shoebox Phil, Lum Glowerman, Dr. Mayer Windfeller, Bunkie Fuzzbutton, and the whole cast of spurious characters would like to wish you a Happy New Year!

Santa's Second Favorites!

Spurious Christmas Santa Facts!

At the Spurious Nib we've grown quite tired of all those top ten list. And we tired of hearing people singing about a few of their favorite things. Therefore, we have asked archivist Dusty “Nibs” Japes to search for some spurious facts about Santa Claus. Dusty learned Santa's beloved elves have a list of all of Santa's most favorites. Here are some of his second most favorites:

When the Big Guy's sleigh is not available: only the 1919 Pierce Arrow Seven-passenger Touring Car with the 48 H. P. engine will do.

Second favorite Christmas song: Krampus' duet with Alice Cooper covering "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

No hot chocolate? Second favorite: Candy Cane Milkshake

Second favorite cookie: Krumkake

His second favorite brother is Billy. His first favorite is Kevin:

It turns out Santa's second most favorite city is Akron, Ohio! "Hey Prancer, do you know why Akron is my second favorite city? Because Akron always has a 'Good Year.' Hope you're not, 'tired' of that one!" (By the way, that is Santa's eleventh most funny thing to say as he sleighs out of Ohio. In case you are wondering his most favorite tire company is Firestone!)

Merry Christmas!

The Spurious Nib Thanksgiving Edition

On November 11, 1620 a small band of Religious Separatists along with the Crew of the Mayflower signed a Social Compact to “maintain order and establish a civil society.”¹

Our merry band of spurious reporters have uncovered a sub-clause in the Social Contract that allows relatives to “talk turkey and politics whilst standing on one foot, and facing England, the said opinion shall be sung to the tune of, "Mein G'müt ist mir verwirret" ("Confused are all my feelings")² 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

¹https://www.plimoth.org/learn/just-kids/homework-help/mayflower-and-mayflower-compact²http://meaningfulworship.blogspot.com/2015/03/17th-century-ethnodoxology-o-sacred.html

The Spurious Nib is on temporary hiatus.

Please check here for the reason the Spurious Nib is on temporary hiatus.

The Spurious Nib

Volume 21

Spurious Nib#116


Handy & Lorna Shiner won the 1867 Summer Solstice Awkward Dancing Award

Spurious Ad Nib

Please Note: The Proper Nomenclature & Exact Pronunciation Society will meet at the L’homme Parle Hall located at the south end of Boleslao University on the 25th at 7:30pm. The lecture is entitled, The Proper Correction of Clergy During Sacred Readings, will be provided by  Virginia Schrillen.

Spurious Nib#490

In 1897 Radcliff (aka Raddy) & Elbert (aka Kevin) Phelps (of Oxlip, MN) became the first Americans convicted of grand theft auto. Raddy and Kevin spied Mr. B. G. Velhelm starting his new Stanley Steamer Motor Carriage, pushed him aside and tried to drive away. Unfortunately, Raddy did not know where to feed the charcoal briquettes. An argument ensued between the two brothers, the motor carriage stalled and that allowed time for their arrest!


Spurious Nib#97

The masked, heroic character Zorro was based on a young man named Wilbur Wentworth. It is true that Wilbur was not Spanish but he was known to don a mask, mount his penny-farthing, yell, "Whammo!" and swoosh his pen knife in a "W" shape.

Happy Spurious Father's Day!

Spurious Nib #151



It is true that Charlie Chan, famous Hawaiian detective had 14 children. A spurious rumor maintains that every Father's Day Chan's offspring would randomly switch places with various neighbor children to see how long it would take the great detective to discover which ones were really his!

Spurious Nib #79

Every Father's Day, Robert L. Billingsly shares his life stories with his beloved wife and children through the magic of shadow puppetry. When "Pops" was done the whole family joined in a rousing rendition of Remember When You Were a Kid? (The Faygo 'Boat' Song).

Spurious Nib #214

Infamous outlaw James McKinney held up his dear, old, father every Father's Day starting when he James was ten years old.











Spurious Nib #486

Amateur opera singer and itinerant bric-a-brac salesman Arthur Schwenck taught his unborn child the lyrics to Gilbert & Sullivan's, Modern Major General (from the Pirates of the Penzance). Upon birth little Stanley could sing it flawlessly.

The Spurious Nib

Volume 20

Spurious Nib#9



The first use of "wakah wakah" by a professional comedian took place in 957 BCE at the Laughing Gator Club in Thebes, Egypt. Famous Egyptian ventriloquist, Hepu and his dummy, Koko opened with, "Hey Koko you know how to do the Watusi?" "No, but I know how to wakah wakah like an Egyptian!"






Spurious Nib#27
Ice cream magnate J. F. McCullough trained his favorite bear named Dilly to serve him a root-beer float every evening after dinner.









Spurious Nib#70
Amateur ophthalmologist and Lake Erie ornithologist expert, Giles D. Flique forced his wife Betty to wear a bird cage on her head so that she could "see the world as birds do." Mrs. Flique responded later that evening by forcing her husband to wear a cast iron frying pan so that he could "see how scrambled eggs see the world."

Spurious Nib#160

Major Norbert Flambeau once led and entire flock of flamingos across Zimbabwe in hopes of finding the Garden of Eden. After the flamingos were eaten by a pride of albino, pygmy lions the expedition became known as the Flambeau Follies (not to be confused with the 1973 Flambeau Follies on ice staring JoJo Starbuck).

Spurious Nib History

In 1537, Philip II, Prince of Spain spent exactly 749 days, 3 hours and 49 seconds contemplating the life of carpenter ants. Subsequently, he wrote a seven volume encyclopedia on said creatures. 

Unfortunately, Philip lost all of his furnishings, his vast collection of hand carved whimsical Santas, and every piece of wood in the Royal Palace. Boy, O boy was he mad! 

The Spurious Nib

Volume 19

Spurious Nib#54

A Kansas pharmacist accidentally set the world record for juggling thermometers after reading the 1873 farmer's almanac's prediction for a longer winter.

This Spurious Volume 19 is sponsored by 

The Victor Wrasses Fishing Tackle Company,

"Get hooked on our quality tackle!"

Spurious Nib#23

In the 1920's gangster Louie the Nose Gamboly walked his pet gator everyday at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Neighbors in Crystal, Minnesota reported the gator's name was Sam the Smiler!


Spurious Nib#105

In 1956 the Oxytones recorded what would become their paranymic classic, "Cofefe." Critics would excoriate the Cuban mambo song as "cacological" and "querkenic." But the public couldn't get enough sending it to the top of the charts for 65 weeks that year!





Spurious Nib#63

Little known spurious history:
The first Great Sphinx was made entirely of paper mache.

Spurious War Movie History

John Wayne and Strother Martin were originally cast in the 1950 WWII movie, At War with the Army. 
However, Wayne and Martin both wanted to play Pfc. Alvin Korwin and walked away from lucrative contracts with Paramount Studios.

Fortunately for us Paramount recruited Martin & Lewis to save the beloved war documentary.

And be sure to check here for my real non-spurious Memorial Day tribute.

Spurious History

In 600 BCE the sneaky Babylonians built a large wooden cow that looked like the Egyptian goddess Methyer. They pushed the large hollow cow up to the entryway of Alexandria one evening and ran away waving Le Tricolor.

Thinking they beat Babylon, the Egyptians pulled the goddess statue into Alexandria and started to party. A few hours latter Babylonian soldiers lept out of the hollow cow onto the ground and slaughtered the drunk Egyptians. 

(Later, the Greeks stole the tactic to trick the people in Troy.)

The Spurious Nib

Volume 18

Spurious Nib#63

Wheel wright Ben Morris loved to pull a fast one on his apprentices by telling them to, "put a little air in that wheel."

Spurious Nib#91

Mortimer Diller spent three weeks organizing his eschatology notes on Dispensationalism when he suddenly fell asleep. Upon waking  he discovered his notes had disappeared.

Spurious Nib#22

Egyptian twin sisters, Tuya and Baktwerel, were the top-billed song and dance act in Memphis, Egypt for six straight years starting in 2225 BCE










Spurious Nib#30

The 7th century monk, Mellin and fellow cleric Herald were sent on a quest to locate Par Bar in Palestine. This was penance for fishing with Father Higby's favorite bamboo fishing rod. The Brothers agreed that the taste of fresh brown trout caught with said tackle was worth every savory bite.
(1Chron26:18KJV)

Trees Moving West

Just saw this msn weather headline and had to answer the question, 
"Why are the trees moving west?"


Duh! The Ents are looking for their wives.

Special Edition: Happy Fishing Opener & Happy Mother's Day

Spurious Nib #52




Torvald Squit taught his pet codfish
Lewis to spit on command.








Spurious Nib #18
Mrs. Melba Swink, mother of twelve, invented the cha-cha while sweeping her kitchen in 1919.






Spurious Nib #94




Vladlmir Sergei was the last Soviet to hold the record for gutting and wrapping a fish in newsprint.

Spurious Nib #103

In 1901 Mrs. Renate Groot successfully instructed her children not to make noise till after her first cup of coffee. To this day Dutch mother's still revere the name Renate Groot.

Spurious Nib #73


Mrs. Harlean Teal of Shoulderbone, Georgia adopted nine month old septuplet leprechauns and raised them as if they were her own flesh and blood.

Spurious History

Theban monarch, Mentuhotep 

insisted his wife Neferu 

bring him a bowl of ice-cream 

before he would hold court.

The Spurious Nib

Volume 17

Spurious Nib#81

In 1849 Englishman, Martin Kilmead, out ran a locomotive pulling three tons of coal from Goldhanger to Heybridge.


Spurious Nib#21

May 20, 1957, 2:34 PM: 3rd grader, Kenny, "Blush Boy" Phillips gained fame by managing to lob three consecutive spitballs into Mrs. Larder's coffee.
May 20, 1957, 2:36 PM: 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Larder set a personal best for lobbing an eraser directly at a child's head.





Spurious Nib#65

Timothy Conrad, a Confederate Soldier, was laughed out of the army when it was discovered the birthmark on his left buttocks resembled a top hatted Abraham Lincoln.





Spurious Nib#72 

Prague 1795. Utz and her husband Mel Vitz had high hopes for their son. Instead the once proud mom, Utz Vitz, gave herself the honorary title, Most Disappointed Mother of the Year" after her adult son revealed he had not been attending law school . It turned out Utz's son Zindel had been playing the lute and making jokes every evening at the local tavern.

Spurious History

On May 1st, 1919, Congress passed a resolution discouraging facial hair in order to placate Russian Communist from invading Alaska.

The Spurious Nib

Volume 16

Spurious Nib #12

In 2685 BCE Egyptian sailors learned sitting in a boat leads to leaner crocodiles.



Spurious Nib #90

Shadow puppet, Gloria Darkmoore will be performing three shows at the Fortune Theatre this week. Darkmore's Shadow Hand Mastery Show will be performing, "Kangaroos in Paris."


Spurious Nib #37

Poseidon never liked how gossipy dolphins are nor how haughty puffer fish can be.



Spurious Nib #52

Felicity Q. Turddle bathed in wine every May 1st and sang the La Marseillaise.

Spurious Cartoon History

Giraffes are so tall that cartoonist were unable to draw the whole even-toed ungulated mammal in one frame until 1924.

The Spurious Nib

Volume 4

Spurious Nib#45




Failed jockey, Horace, “Lil' Joe” Nuesome trained his dog, Hank, to sing every tune from Rodgers & Hammerstein's Oklahoma!

Spurious Ad Nibs

Mrs. Dees Vonderbrood,

“The smell of fresh bread stirs heart and hearth.”

Ask for it at your local grocers!

Spurious Nib#102

In December, 1839 the Buckingham Palace Cats sent out invitations to Queen Victoria's wedding.

Spurious Nib News from around the earth.

Kenosha, Wisconsin
Sarah P. Needles, Reporter

Parthena Bergere Bleue once again has had wondrous, ethereal visions. “My mind's eye wandered about the future when suddenly my senses were overwhelmed. I found myself in a dance hall of sorts. Parts of the floor would light in wondrous colors. The sprite-lighted floor (Parthena's description) lit, there was a sudden cacophony of  sounds, and suddenly the figure standing on it began to jump and turn about.”
At this point of the interview Mrs. Bleue was too overcome to continue, so shocking to her fragile state she called out, “O, the sprites leap'n about the floor! Tis a truly terrible future.” Her voice trailed off at this point. Fortunately before we began the interview, Prognosticator Parthena enlisted the aid of her son Morgan to demonstrate a sprite floor covering.


Pictured: Miss Parthena shows off the futuristic dance item to her husband, Shoebox Phil, famed hobo and magician Phil Bleue & their son, Morgan.