The Spurious Nib 2019 Thanksgiving Edition

You might have some romantic notions of Thanksgiving. Maybe in your imagination you see Pocahontas and John Rolfe stealing glances over a large golden brown turkey next to a piping hot dish of candied yams, a bowl of cranberries, and some really yummy corn bread with a slab of butter melting over the top.
Thanks to our imagination at the Spurious Nib our founder Maximus Tornblatt had related some Spurious Thanksgiving news from one of his news papers, The Round Prairie Witness.

43,000 years ago a Cro-Magnon family celebrated Thanksgiving by inviting their Neanderthal neighbors over for some roasted Magnapaulia and candied avocados.

Thanksgiving 1810. Kentucky’s famous retired pirate and kitsch aficionado, Captain Irving Saysme had to be reminded by his great grandchildren that the Thanksgiving turkey wasn’t his beloved parrot Maxine.

When the Pilgrims celebrated the Tenth Annual Thanksgiving Goody Feldman was so excited she set up her Creche and Christmas tree. Thus starting the American tradition of Christmas feriation extensive celebrationem.

Best friends Bartholomew Buckett and Giles Tinker gathered everyone at the Meeting House three days before Thanksgiving to play a new game they called “will it Pilgrim.” The young men invited Massasoit to cook up various festive aboriginal treats so the whole community could see the reaction of the boys tasting the strange exotic foods. Unbeknownst to Bartholomew and Giles, William Latham asked Massasoit to make skunk stew as one of the dishes to taste. Hilarity ensued.
Hepzibah Smith later said, I longed that I should have been able to paint a picture of the boys retching whilst we convulsed with gaiety at their discomfort!”

One Hundred years after the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Humphrey Calvert wrote and performed his, “Tuba Extraordinaire, A Thanksgiving Opus in G flat.”

Spurious Nib Speed

Leo Lindeberg swore adding coffee to his cars tires was like, 

“lightening in a wheel.” 

Spurious Daylight Savings Time

We know Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent Daylight Savings Time. 

According to our Spurious History Department, 

When Parisians learned Franklin’s essay,

“An Economical Project” was chiding them for sleeping in 

they donned clock masks and marched around his home at sunrise!

A Spurious Nib Halloween

In 1899 Billy Flanagan wrapped his sister Mary like a mummy 

and charged people 2 cents each to hear him delivery his scary Halloween soliloquy, “To The Mummy.”

You may not know that Martin Luther’s 95 Thesis was posted on the equivalence of a bulletin board.

You might be interested in some spurious history in that one week later the 95 Thesis were replaced by an ad from Nun Katharina von Bora , “For sale: one used rosary, Available at the Cistercian monastery of Marienthron in Nimbschen.”

On this date in 1756, Josefus Paczko was voted

“The Gosh, Darn, Nicest Werewolf in all of Slovakia!”

Spurious Dentistry Adventures

Billy Mackenzie is a great automobile mechanic. Billy’s favorite automobile is the 1921 Daniels Speedster. His favorite tool is the Cornwell Tappet wrench which is specially treated with Chrome Molybdenum Steel, “I love the handy grips and narrow faces that insure easy access to those close quarter spaces.”
And Billy likes teeth. “It started when I was a boy of about four years of age. My little mutt named Tuffy decided to bite my Uncle Philbert’s left hind quarter. It was a two’fer, got to see Tuffy’s chompers and Uncle’s dentures fell onto the floor. Ever since then I have been quite curious how teeth work. I was going to be a dentist except for all the blood and spitting. It is rather off putting.
My fifth favorite tooth story happened about a year ago last week. My third favorite costumer Len Smith (we call him Smitty) stopped by for an oil change. He was driving his crummy little Overland Four Touring car. What a joke, only 18.23 horsepower. As he approached I could tell something was wrong by the look on his wadded up face.

At first I thought he was angry with me. Maybe he thought I charged too much to fix that flat last week? No, not the tire. His clutch was slipping. When he started to complain it became apparent he had a tooth ache. Turns out one of his bicuspids was coming apart at the seams. I glanced at my tools and had a strike of brilliance (coincidentally that is what I call my 4 pound rubber mallet).
Smitty was tough to catch at first, had to get my assistant Ralph to stop pumping gasoline for old Mrs. Flemhocker to hold Smitty down.
I grabbed my trusty old brake spring pliers figuring they might do the trick. My angled grease bar and pump packing hook helped to pry out the rest that old tooth. Used my midget ignition pliers to grab all of them little stubborn pieces.
Yep, lots of blood, spitting and a fare amount of cursing. But kept I assuring Smitty I would only charge him ten cents for the extraction (which is a great deal compared to what that old lout of a dentist he’s been seeing charges).
It was nice the way he passed out for an hour. Gave us a chance to fix his clutch in peace without all that usual yammering he does about politics.”

Spurious Egyptian History

Chatuluka Umi was the first Egyptian to surf the Yam Suph in 1446 BC.

Spurious Mascot History

Willie Wirehand loved to scare his famous cousin Reddy Kilowatt.

The day after Willie chased him with a horsefly Reddy invented the bug zapper!