A Touching Spurious Father's Day.

Here are some touching scenes from the Spurious Archives.

On this day in 1887 Hamash Zaqan gave his son, Fertootst the secret formula for Zaqan’s Royal Beard Oil (It comes in the cobalt blue bottle!).

By the way, Fertootst Zaqan’s son, Carlyle would open the first Chinese restaurant in Miami on Father's Day in 1916.

Every Father's Day in Babylon, Dakuri played toss the double daggers with his son, Zaidu. 

Soviet fathers taught their children that eating the crust of bread would make them stronger than the evil Amerikanski capitalists.

Famous clipper ship builder Austin Hills once asked his sons for a cup of coffee on Father's Day. They were so obedient that they started a coffee company just so the old man would always have a cup of coffee!

Pilgrim Wrestling Tinker taught his three year old son to snap his fingers on Father's Day 1605.

And a bit of ironic Spurious History: Melvin Kranski was voted 

"Best Clown Daddy" in the Ohio State Penitentiary on Father's Day 1935.

Happy Father's Day! 

The Spurious Easter of 1890

On the morning of Easter 1890 the son of a Belgian confectioner built a two meter tall Lapin Bonbon. Unfortunately, a bratty German boy tried to steal the giant marshmallow creation screeching, “Der Süßigkeiten Hase ist mein Freund.” The marshmallow bunny suddenly came to life, picked up the German boy, and clomped of through the village.

Lapin Bonbon ran to the home of an old witch in the nearby forest where he reveled that he was not French or German. Lapin Bonbon was really the Great Finnish Karkkia Pupu! The German boy leaped from the marshmallow bunny’s arms, and escaped.
To this day Germans refuse to eat marshmallow bunnys on Easter exclaiming they are, “Pupu!”

The Spurious Nib's History

After a nasty fall down the steps of the Spurious Nib's basement, Dusty “Nibs” Japes has been recalling the history of this small publication.

"German immigrant Maximus Tornblatt started, The Harried Hessian Journal on April 1st."


Japes continued,
"Restaurateur and former printer, Bunkie Fuzzbutton was an apprentice here in the 1890s before striking out on his own. Furthermore, Fuzzbutton’s grandfather was Maximus Tornblatt started a journal, The Harried Hessian, after emigrating from Germany in the mid-1800s. Tornblatt’s genius was his innovative roving news wagon which roamed the upper Midwest gathering and disseminating things Tornblatt found interesting. Before his death in 1883 Tornblatt expanded his fortune buying up several small papers (The Wayne Whig, The Ashwaubenon Commoner, The Round Prairie Witness and the Dewit Register). In 1884 Tornblatt sold his papers to Mortimer S. Mitone. Mitone consolidated the roving news into Spurious Nib in 1885. As part of the buyout the new owner agreed to hire some of Tornblatt’s family which is how the paper eventually ended up with a Fuzzbutton.
Fuzzbutton was pressed into service as a printer’s devil eventually surpassing the best typesetter in the shop. Alas, one can only speculate what would have happen to the Spurious Nib had Bunkie stayed at the presses and rose through the ranks of the Spurious Nib. Perhaps the paper would have again been under the great auspices of the founding family.

The Fates pushed Fuzzbutton into crepes and Fortune smiled upon Mortimer S. Mitone who was enamored with the business of publication."

The Spurious Nib's 2019 St. Paddy’s Day Edition!

An Irish Love Story

Though Barley Finnegan was but a poor Irishman he loved the Opera. Barley fell head-over-heels in love with Ireland’s most famous opera singer, Colleen O’Connor. “She has the most heavenly voice.” Thought Barley. 

After a shot of courage he began courting his beloved Colleen. A whirlwind romance and a hurry-up ceremony followed. 

Amazingly poor Barley Finnegan found himself on honeymoon with Colleen. That evening Colleen began to prepare for their first night together, As he watched, his chin dropped to his chest. Colleen plucked out her glass eye, pulled off her wig, ripped off her false eyelashes, yanked out her dentures, unstrapped her artificial leg , and smiled at him as she slipped off her glasses that hid her hearing aid. Stunned and horrified, Barley cried out, “sing woman, sing, SING!” 


HT- www.family-times.net/illustration/Deceit/200734/ 

Spurious Nib Ash Wednesday

Rev. Emerson Coy Grady, 

of the Fourth Louisiana Baptist Church, 

used Ash Wednesday to force his elders to smoke outside instead of in the foyer. 

Lollygagging, Dilly dallying, and Dawdles

While visiting Paint Lick, Kentucky in August 1877, 

Dr. Mayer Windfeller came to the stunning conclusion that lollygagging is the equivalent of four dawdles while dilly dallying equal almost six dawdles!

(Thanks to Pat Sajak for alerting the Staff about lollygagging vs dilly dallying)

Blood Moon Theory

You might considers this Spurious Astronomy but nonetheless in 1867 Sir Chadwick Arthur Maxwell posited his famous “Blood Moon Theory.”

Sir Maxwell surmised the Planet Mars was so angry at the attention Planet Earth receives from the Sun that Mars tries to destroy the Earth by shooting arrows into the Moon.

(Sir Maxwell was also famous amongst his peers for his "Fem Blu Theory" stating that Women invented laundry bluing to guarantee that men would never master washing clothes.)