Spurious Nib New Years Discoveries

As we bid adieu to 2018 the Spurious Nib would like to remind you to break all your mirrors just after midnight tonight. 
Why? you ask.

On December 31, 1849 Janos Sohler suddenly woke to discover Father Time leaping through his mirror at the stroke of midnight! Upon reflection Sohler realized no one wants to relive everything from from the previous year. Therefore, he broke every mirror in the house so the Mr. Old Year would not return!

Spurious Christmas Safety

Our intrepid reporter to the stars, Halley Orion, discovered December 22nd is the day St. Nicholas and his elves practice Sleigh Flight Rescue Procedures. 

Pictured: Chief Elf Safety Officer Pazzo Pane, St. Nicholas and the elf trainees in the life raft.

Spurious Christmas Visions

Mama Dixon never had visions of sugar-plums dancing while she slumbered. 

But she did wish that Santa would send his elves to clean her kitchen!!

Spurious Christmas Gifts

In 1902 St. Nicholas gave Diana Prince 

his invisible 1909 Edwardian Renault,

 “fitted with a large 4.4 litre 20/30 horsepower, four-cylinder engine coupled to a four- speed transmission and built on a chassis with a 130" wheelbase”.

Spurious Christmas Folklore

According to Slovakian folklore, 

if you scream, “zachráň ma Ježiško!” 

three times at a mirror 

Jezisko will give you the power to catch the Elf on the shelf.

Spurious Christmas History

The Three Wise Men (Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar) were accompanied by a very wise feline named Gattinoscaltro. 

And yes, Gattinoscaltro brought the baby Jesus his favorite ball of yarn.

Spurious Christmas Health

Mrs. Goody Claus insisted that Santa take one tablespoon of cod liver oil and chase it with a ten ounce  glass of prune juice before he left to deliver toys for all the good girls and boys. 

This ensured a quick delivery. Some of the elves referred to the mixture as “Goody’s Thunder Juice.”

A Spurious Christmas Story

The Spurious Christmas tree.

Martin Luther is often credited with the idea of a Christmas tree. What you will never hear is that his neighbor, Niederwälder Nadelbaum sold the Great Reformer a fir tree as a prank. 

The Nadelbaum family had been famous for selling fire wood for hundreds of years. The family had a tradition of parading a small fir tree into town after the snow as a way of advertising their business. One day in December 1525 Niederwälder had sold all of the split wood and didn’t want to take the time to cut up the six foot tall anzeige baum (advertisement tree). And that is when he remembered his good-natured neighbors, Martin and Katharina Luther.

Nadelbaum convinced Luther that having a freshly cut fir tree in the house would be an excellent way to keep his kitsch Czechoslovakian candle collection organized and a nifty way to display them in the living room. When Katharina began questioning her husband about the tree and candles Luther realized his neighbor had pulled one over on him. Ever the quick wit, Luther began lighting the candles and making up a tall tale about how he was reforming the pagan Yuletide celebrations.

In the following spring Luther got back at Niederwälder by putting green dye in his beer but that is another story.

The Second Spurious Nib Thanksgiving Edition

 Some Spurious Nib Thanksgiving details.

In November of 1688 Father Louis Hennepin, (Belgian Roman Catholic priest, missionary of the Franciscan Recollet order, explorer of North America and AAA member) celebrated a mass in honor of the Baby Paul Bunyan carving the first Thanksgiving turkey.

Dr. Fredric Von Distalmeir, Slavic hieroglyph expert, discovered the etymology of the word amazing has its roots in the word maze. According to Distalmeir, 

John Rolfe couldn’t believe corn could be popped. When Pocahontas showed him the process he was ‘amazed.’ Rolfe then realized he was amazed by the beauty of Pocahontas. He was amazed at her ability to carve turkey. He was amazed at the taste of candied yams.

Rolfe used the new word so much the Indigenous people and the Englanders voted to send John and his new bride back to England!

n 1739 Johannes Peter Troxell’s (1691 - 1766) Pennsylvania neighbor declared Folgers Coffee the official hot beverage of Thanksgiving.

Katherine Pear and John Q.Bodrog were married on Thanksgiving 1897. On each anniversary they tried to recite more reasons to be thankful than the other.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The Spurious Nib Halloween Edition

Spurious Nib Halloween Items

Spice up this evenings Halloween conversations with these here to fore never seen spurious items.

On Halloween 1911 Dr. Ransom D. Monet, dressed as “The Oil Philosopher” and lectured his students on the proper viscosity of oil for the Priestman Oil Engine.

Lizzie Andrew Borden did not know how to properly sharpen an axe.

Every Halloween Istvan Graeff forced his wife and six children to listen to his worst nightmares from that year whilst they stood at his bedside. Later in life his son, Urice recounted with horror one particular soliloquy which lasted two hours about their beloved pet squirrel named Ziegenfuss, “whose eyes glowed like red hot coals as he devoured ”

On every Halloween between 1897 and 1904 Ernestine the Praying Mantis used to terrorize young children in the Hungarian village of Zólyom.

A 'Piddlesworth' of Spurious Jewelry.

In 1879 Bartholomew Piddlesworth, entrepreneur jeweler, began selling his famed, Piddlesworth Kidney Stone Anniversary Rings.

Spurious Easter History

The Spurious Nib continues to investigate Easter. Our long time keeper of Spurious History, Dusty Japes, has uncovered more inconceivable notions of Easter history.

In 1893 Gwendolyn Blodwyn introduced her Easter themed purses.

Easter Goverts

In 1697 the town of Falesti, Moldova faced an environmental crises of epic proportions. All of the regions goats descended on the town after one of the residents dumped old casks of plumb wine on a pile of old rope. When the goats recovered from their meal they consumed all of the vegetation in and around the town. When the goats left the residents discovered all the Easter bunnies had moved to Romania. Gripped with fear the Falestians begged Mayor Malvern Govert to “bring back the bunny!” Govert traveled to Transylvania and bought seven long haired hares. Those hares became known as Goverts. Today if you are in Moldova Easter bunnies are still called Easter Goverts!

Paolo Fabrizio was so taken by the great silent film, Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ (1925), he re-enacted the chariot scene in his living room every Easter. 

Incidentally, every corresponding Easter Paolo’s wife, Irta, reenacted scenes from Mack Sennett’s, The Fatal Mallet.

Daniel Boone’s older sister June refused to hunt rabbits during the season of Easter!

Spurious Wisdom!

Many of our readers have been sending in letters asking, "Who is your Foreign Correspondent?" Other long time readers of the Spurious Nib are asking, "Where is my coffee?" We can not help you with this second query. 
But the Spurious Nib can tell you Mr. Ja Sam Budala is our Foreign Correspondent. 'Scoop' Budala, as we affectionately call him, hails from Bosnia. Ja Sam Budala's wisdom made him a shoe-in for the job. 
You may be asking, "Just what did he say during that interview?" 

"It's not what you know but hookah you know!"

Ja Sam Budala

The Spurious Nib's Special St. Paddy’s Day Edition!

Maewyn Succat’s friend, Grady Mahoney almost became Saint Patrick but he tried to explain the Trinity with a poison Ivy leaf!

Newton's Spurious Apple.

It might be true that Sir Isaac Newton watched an apple fall and discovered gravity. But accord'n to Irish lore, the good Sir's Irish cousin Shamus Newton, was the first to discover gravity.

One summer’s evening in 1665 Shamus Newton found himself at Sean O' Kepler’s Pub. Now the Murphy twins, Ivan and Kevin, bellied their way up to the bar and began challenging each other to knock back a few pints of Guinness. Shamus was stunned as he counted one pint, then two, three…(it might be worth noting that Shamus was the smartest man in the village having completed the forth grade). Suddenly after consuming the last drop of number eight, Ivan and Kevin dropped like they’d been beaned with grandpa’s shillelagh. Naturally, Shamus observed the attraction of each twin to hit the floor at the same time!

(Photo: the 73rd Reenactment of Shamus Newton's observation of gravity)

The Southern Hibernian Leprechauns love to play leap frog on St. Patrick’s Day!

The Irish Wolfhound was bread to retrieve top shelf whiskey and to keep women out of pubs.

Spurious President’s Day Edition!

You might have a lot of opinions about Presidents. Here are some things you never learned in school about them!!

George Washington was the second person inducted as an honorary member of the American Wood Choppers Hall of Fame. The first was Abe, “Rail Splitter” Lincoln. By the way, little known fact; George’s boyhood friends called him, “Cherry Choppa.”

The Egyptians first and only president, President Khepri, served for one year before Sheshi who began his reign in 1745 BC. Popular opinion polls showed that nine out of ten Egyptians felt, “President Khepri really stank.” Khepri resigned immediately after the poll was released.

Depiction of Khepri receiving shaved iced-cream after his election.

William Taft was the first president to master the high jump.

When ever Vice President Chester A. Arthur visited President Garfield he gave him an Orange Tabby Cat.

The Spurious Nib Valentine's Edition

Once again Dusty “Nibs” Japes has discovered here-to-fore unknown and some what curious Valentine facts.

If you look at the word valentine very closely you will note it is actually three words. Obviously vale is the first word. The ‘n’ is short for the word and. The third word is tines. Vale is an old word that means valley. Tine is the fork in the antler of deer. Philology experts will tell you things about words. The phrase, “valley and tine” in old Norse referred to their homes in the dark valleys that were fractured and without love. 

There was nothing happy about valentines for the old Norse!

Buskey Shoes Ad campaign in February, 1912:

 

Roses are red, your feet are sore. We have great deals at the Buskey Shoe Store.

The Buskey Shoe Company, Sandusky, Ohio.

Dr. C. Mitosies penned this to his sweetheart in February 1893:

The muscle

Of my red

Corpuscles

Beats only

For you.

Be my

Valentine

Or I’ll

Turn blue.

Some experts believe, "’Rule, Britannia!’ is a British patriotic song, originating from the poem "Rule, Britannia" by James Thomson and set to music by Thomas Arne.” However, when we played it backwards on our 1903 Edison Victrola and discovered it is a series of awkward Valentines sung to Queen Victoria! 

2/14/2018

Happy Groundhog's Day!

2/2/2018

This month's Spurious Nibs are brought to you by, 

THE FELLER'S MEAT COMPANY

Remember,

"A Feller's Monax Meat Pie is a Man's Pie!"

Spurious February

On February 2, 1873 

Dutch phenom, 

Jan Luken, 

invented 

Rock-Paper-Scissors!

SPURIOUS HISTORY

On this day in 1919 Clutes Buskey and Ubriacone Cicchetto started their famed medicinal transport business, The Shmengy Medicine Commercial Enterprise Company.

The Shmengy Medicine Commercial Enterprise Company was a great success owing to the ever increasing need for bottled medicines amongst the populace (the favorite Bottle being, Minnesota 13).

Spurious Nib Game Fact #947

The game, "Hairpiece-Not-A Hairpiece" was invented 

by Filomena Farinha's Granmpa Riccio in 1869.

Spurious Roman History

While it is true that the Roman god of fire and metal was Vulcan, the spurious reality of his down fall was based on his love for, "Rock'n out like a guitar god." 

The Muses and Apollo complained to Zeus that Vulcan was, "Just so lame. All he wants to do is bang on his anvil all day. But the worst is that stupid air guitar he plays every time we're trying to do serious music..." One day Vulcan tried to play air guitar for Persephone. One thing led to another and Vulcan was kicked out of Olympus.